Mine First Page 6

She tried to shift her hips, but a leg had them pinned. A foot with red-painted toenails stuck out from under the blankets. Lori recognised the colour, the symbolism. It was a tradition that had morphed into a superstition long before she and Em were part of the swim team. It was a strict rule the coach drilled into the team every year; a swimmer wasn’t allowed anywhere near the pool during competition season without fingernails or toenails painted a certain hue of crimson, one that matched the school colour. She hadn’t pinned Addy as one for following rules, or Em as one for traditions, but old habits die hard, old superstitions too.

  Lori twisted her neck and shoulders to look behind her. Addy was deeply, peacefully asleep, close enough to feel the soft rush of each exhale and the warmth of her body curved against Lori’s back, the small bed only just big enough for them both. For a moment, Lori wanted to wake her up. Flashes of the night before filled her mind; the twitch of Addy’s touch in the dark; the cold seeping in as Addy warmed her from the inside out; the walk back down from the lookout taking twice as long, taking turns to push each other up against tree trunks and dark walls; the bite of Addy’s kiss melting her each time; sneaking into the dorm building; the door slamming in their haste; clothes falling to the ground; bare limbs, bare skin—

  Reality sunk back in at the sound of footsteps and voices outside the door, fading down the hallway.

  ‘Shit.’ Lori buried her head deep in the pillow. ‘Shit. Shit. Shit.’

  Carefully, she shifted around to lay on her back, keeping an eye on Addy’s sleeping face. Still no sign of her waking, Lori slid her legs free, paused, and then loosened Addy’s grip and slipped from under her arm, replacing herself with a pillow.

  She sat on the edge of the bed, head resting in her hands as she waited for the dull ache behind her eyes to ease. She needed to get out of there, but found herself staring at Addy. At how peaceful she looked asleep. The hush and whistle of each breath moving through the tiny gap between her lips, a soft and steady pace in the otherwise silent room. How the morning light turned the tiny blonde hairs at her temple a golden brown, and glinted off a piece of blue star-shaped confetti near the corner of her jaw, just under her ear, and another in the hollow of her collarbone, this one a red half-moon.

  It took a clenched fist to stop herself from reaching out, from pressing a fingertip to each colourful shape, from waking Addy up so she could blow them away with a wish like an eyelash.

  Instead, she leaned forward and picked her shirt up off the floor. Her stomach lurched with the movement. Breathing through it, Lori buttoned her shirt while she looked around the room.

  It was small, one of the few single rooms. The usual dingy university dorm room. Brick walls and dated furniture covered in stickers and scratches from the students who’d lived there before. A desk piled high with textbooks and notebooks, scattered pens and scraps of paper with scribbled reminders.

  The walls were bare, but the back of the door displayed a collage of drawings and topographical maps and photographs. The maps were for the mountains around the town and Lori recognised the places in a few of the photos, but most of them could have been taken anywhere; trees, mountain views, huts and cabins and campsites.

  It was the drawings that caught her eye. Nature studies; flowers, plants, leaves, insects, animals. Not a stroke out of line, almost anatomical in their precision. They were beautiful. Mesmerising.

  Lori stared at the drawings until warm fingers climbed up her spine. Out of pure reflex, she slid forward out of reach and onto the desk chair.

  Addy frowned at her from across the pillow. ‘What’s wrong?’

  Panic clawed at Lori’s throat. ‘This was a mistake.’ She stood, shuffled into her jeans and grabbed her shoes and jacket on the way to the door.

  Addy was up and across the small room, quickly jumping into baggy basketball shorts that reached down past her knees, one arm in a shirt. She pushed the door closed before Lori could step out.

  ‘Addy, let me out.’

  ‘Not until you take it back.’

  Anger, disappointment, hurt. Lori saw them all in her eyes. ‘Let me out.’ And she pulled at the door, opening it a fraction.

  Addy pushed it closed again. ‘No. What’re you afraid of, Lori? Huh? Are you leaving because you really think this was a mistake or because you’re scared this might actually be something? You say you see another side of me that no one else seems to get? Well, I see the same of you.’

  Lori gave up on the door and sat on the bed to pull on her shoes. ‘What would you know? You’re a kid, Addy. You’re twenty-two and you think you know—’

  ‘What I know is that you’re scared to let anyone in, just in case they leave or hurt you. You hate for anything to go wrong, just in case you get the blame. You want everyone to think you’re tough, but really you’re just too scared to ask for help. I knew that, I knew you from the beginning. As well as I know myself, I know you.’

  ‘So, you think we’re the ones who’re alike?’

  ‘No, that’s not what I mean… It just—This was never about just flirting. Not just stupid fun. For me, at least.’

  Given the chance to keep talking, Addy would easily have been able to change Lori’s mind about leaving, about everything. But Lori couldn’t let that happen. Yes, last night had been everything. But it was another thing to let herself think it could work, to let her feelings take over, to let herself fall. She stood up, put on her jacket and walked to the door. ‘I’m gonna be late for class.’

  They stood there for a minute, Lori’s hand on the door handle, Addy’s palm on the door, neither meeting the eye of the other. Addy let go, took a quiet step back. Lori opened the door with a rush of air and a rustle of paper. She was halfway to the stairs when it slammed shut behind her.

  21

  A GALLON OF water and a handful of paracetamol and Lori’s hangover was on the way out. She made it through class with a little help from the videos she had queued up for an upcoming lesson. It came as a relief when Addy didn’t sneak in as usual.

  Knowing the grey tinge to her complexion would bring up unavoidable, unanswerable questions, she’d hidden from Em all day. So far.

  But now, crowded around a table at their favourite restaurant, with Em across from her and Matt and Olly on either side, it was hard to stop herself from worrying, sure that her guilt at what had happened with Addy was written all over her face.

  Lori used the cover of plates being cleared to slip away from the table. She snuck towards the front door and the escape of the street, looking for some fresh air and a little quiet space to think.

  The air was more than fresh; it was a shock. She leaned back on the window of the store next door and looked along the footpath. Through her floating breath, she watched a group crossing the road. One guy, a little more drunk than the others, tried to leapfrog over a hydrant, only just making it over and bumping into a young woman on his unsteady landing.

  The bell rang over the restaurant door and Olly appeared, a cigarette already clamped between her lips, flicking the flint on her lighter as she stepped out.

  ‘You think they’ll notice we’re not in there?’

  ‘Doubt it. They were arguing about the ending of some stupid movie when I left them.’

  They stood next to each other in silence for a bit and passed the cigarette between them.

  With the last drag, Olly ground the cigarette out on the brick wall in a shower of sparks and walked the butt over to the bin, spinning on Lori. ‘Alright, spill it.’

  Lori looked along the now empty footpath. ‘How do you know what’s the right or wrong thing to do?’

  ‘Legally, ethically, morally…? Are we talking like murder cover-up type thing or pinching a doughnut from the staffroom without paying?’

  ‘Say you did something, and it has the potential to be a bad thing, but maybe it’s actually not, but you’d have to keep doing the supposedly bad thing to figure if it’s not actually a bad thing, or if it’s worth getting in trouble for doing…�
�� Lori lost her trail of reasoning. ‘Shit, I don’t know anymore. Forget I asked.’

  ‘Is this about Addy?’

  Lori said nothing, regretting bringing it up.

  Olly exhaled a thick cloud, hugging her jacket closer. ‘Well, sometimes it’s not only what’s right for you, but for everyone involved. Sometimes it’s not the what, but the who that determines the terms of right or wrong. We’re all capable of anything, if it means protecting someone we care about. Even if it hurts them, or yourself, in the short term. Sometimes you have to trust that in the long run it’ll work out for the best.’

  It sounded reasonable. But it wasn’t quite the advice Lori was looking for; she needed specifics, without giving away what she’d done. ‘But how do you know? How do you know the right thing to do? And what if you make the wrong choice? How do you fix it?’

  Olly thought about it, then sighed. ‘I don’t know, sweetie. I think, sometimes, the only way to know is to take a chance, make a decision, and see what happens. Deal with the consequences that come, good or bad.’

  A bemused look came over Olly’s face. She stepped over, untangled something from Lori’s hair and held it out on her fingertip. A piece of confetti, a yellow star.

  Lori flinched. ‘Long story.’ She was still finding random pieces, just like Addy had said, even though she’d showered and changed.

  Olly blew the confetti off her fingertip. ‘All I know is, you’re both adults. You can both make your own decisions. Right or wrong, that’s up to you.’ Her tone had changed, deepening into her lecture voice. ‘But Lori, be careful. It’s not only your career on the line. It’s Addy’s, too, her future. If there’s anything you should consider… it’s the consequences for her.’

  ‘I know.’ Lori scraped the sole of her shoe along the ground, skating away from the wall, whispering, repeating it to herself, ‘I know.’

  The bell over the door rang again. Em and Matt tumbled out, their heads turning in unison, searching for them. They were both drunk, cheering as they pulled Olly and Lori into a group bear hug that took a few stumbled attempts to untangle, propping them against the store window while they all waited for a cab.

  22

  THE NEXT MORNING it was no surprise when Em stomped her way down the stairs in search of coffee, savagely hungover and in a terrible mood. Lori could tell how out of sorts she was by her lack of excitement for a run on the mountain. It was more than unexpected; it was a first.

  Lori wasn’t hungover, but she wasn’t feeling overly enthusiastic about the run either. Marina would surely be there, and she wasn’t sure she could face her.

  Why they were even bothering to go, she wasn’t sure either. But they’d gone through the motions of getting ready. Lori accepted the keys silently and slid into the driver’s seat. Em turned the radio up, cutting off any chance of making conversation.

  Lori went along with the music-filled silence, staring out the windscreen, eyes roaming from the road now and then. It looked like a normal day, like any other. Blue sky. Frost on the ground, but still no snow. Front yards with the occasional evergreen tree that looked out of place between the bare branches and the lingering red and orange leaves blown up around their trunks.

  As they drove into the mountains, the forest thickened, green enveloping the road and almost blocking out the sky above. Em closed her eyes as they curved up the mountainside, opening them again as the final steep rise gave way to the jolting flatness of the carpark.

  By the looks of it, they were the last to arrive. The others had already gathered at the edge of the trees and were partnering off.

  Lori was first out of the car. She’d gotten her gear together and walked around to the passenger side by the time Em tumbled out, disheveled and a little green. They were halfway across the carpark when Em realised she’d forgotten her backpack and went back for it, turning around again on the same spot when she remembered her phone was in the centre console.

  Smiling heads turned as they neared the group, nodding hello’s. A voice called to them, bright, almost sing-song. ‘Good morning.’

  Lori smiled silently, and Em groaned. There was a subtle search for sympathy in the way Em nudged into Josie’s shoulder. ‘Someone’s cheery.’

  ‘Someone’s hungover.’

  Another groan made Josie laugh. ‘Think you’ll make it round the mountain without hurling? Or is today the day I whoop your butt?’

  ‘No guarantees I won’t hurl but there’s no chance you’re winning.’

  Josie lifted an eyebrow, eyes scanning her up and down. ‘Judging by how you look, I’d say you’re wrong.’

  Em looked down at herself. ‘What’s wrong with how I look?’

  Josie stepped in, fussing, batting at Em’s hand when it got in the way as she clipped the hip and shoulder straps of her backpack, straightened her corkscrewed jacket sleeve, untucked the cuff of her running pants from her sock, retied a loose shoelace. Swift hands turned Em around, zipped random pockets shut, untangled the hose connected to the camel bag inside her backpack and clipped it onto her shoulder strap, twisting the nozzle open and replacing the cap.

  Josie stepped back to assess her work. She straightened a strand of hair doing a loop-the-loop down the side of Em’s head. ‘As much as I admire this whole free spirit, bed hair thing you got going on, you might wanna tie it up.’

  Em laughed self-consciously under Josie’s watchful eye as she ran her fingers through the tangles. Hair under control and scraped into a ponytail, Em went to grab the hairband that lived on her wrist, but there wasn’t one.

  She checked her other wrist, then her pockets. Strapped in, she turned around so Josie could check the little front pocket of her backpack. Coming up empty, they turned to Lori.

  Lori shrugged. ‘No spares, sorry. Only the one I’m already using.’

  ‘Shit.’ Em was about to turn and ask the group, but Josie squeezed her arm.

  ‘It’s okay. I’m sure there’s a million scattered through my car. I’ll go get one.’

  23

  LORI HAD BEEN taking in their little touches, listening to their easy banter. The thought occurred in a flash of clarity and confusion. She waited until Josie had opened her car door before she pulled Em aside, far enough away to be out of hearing from the group.

  ‘Was it Josie?’

  ‘Was what?’

  ‘The reason Lena kicked you out? Is it Josie?’

  ‘Are you serious?’ Em looked taken aback, almost disgusted at the suggestion. ‘You are, aren’t you? Holy shit, Lori. You of all people…’

  Lori was caught out, speechless, realising her mistake; not in assuming that something was happening between Em and Josie, but in bringing it up when Em was in no mood to talk about it.

  Em glanced at the group behind them, and then pulled Lori even further away, lowering her voice still. ‘You know, there's a rumour going around campus that someone saw you sneaking out of a dorm room early in the morning yesterday. My guess? Addy started the rumour herself, I told you she was crazy. Except I can't help but wonder if there's any truth to it. I mean, you weren’t home when I woke up, but then again you told me you’d left early to get a swim in before class…’

  Lori couldn’t deny it or think of a good enough lie. Her face must have spoken volumes in her hesitation because Em’s face went red, and not from the cold. Lori could hear the air rushing in and out of her nostrils.

  Despite seeming otherwise, Em’s voice was calm when she stepped closer and whispered, ‘I’d be careful if I was you. She’ll tear apart everything you have.’

  It sounded like Em was talking from experience, which made Lori wonder if she had gotten it wrong, that it wasn’t Josie. That maybe it was Addy. And maybe Addy had torn apart everything Em had, the real reason behind Lena kicking her out. But, lesson learned, Lori stayed quiet and kept her best guesses to herself.

  Em glanced behind them again. Lori did the same. Josie was on her way back from the car, waving a hairband in the air. Em gave Lori on
e last look, eyes boring holes through her, before putting a fake cheer back on and heading over to the trail with Josie.

  ‘Wow. She's in a mood.’

  Lori watched Em disappear around a bend and then turned.

  Marina was behind her. ‘What’s up with her?’

  ‘Nothing, really. Just a monster hangover.’ Lori swallowed the knot in her throat, forcing a smile.

  ‘Partners?’

  They fell in beside each other. Snippets of conversation floated from in front and behind them, making it a little awkward in their own silence.

  Marina cleared her throat. ‘I’m sorry if I said the wrong thing the other night. You left in such a hurry, I didn’t know if you wanted to hear from me…’

  ‘I should be the one apologising, explaining—’ Lori stopped, hand on Marina’s elbow. She waited for the people behind them to pass before she spoke. ‘I didn’t have a normal family, or a normal childhood. And it’s not something I talk about with…’ She didn’t know how to end the sentence.

  ‘With just anyone. I get it.’

  Reassured by how easy it’d been to smooth things without having to spill her guts, Lori took Em’s advice and asked, ‘Another chance?’

  ‘I’d like that. Maybe we could do something else, though? Something less formal, more fun. Don’t even have to talk if you don’t want to.’ With a hop and skip, Marina broke into a jog. She smiled back over her shoulder in a way that made Lori’s stomach flip and fall, nervous and electrified at the same time.

  24

  LORI STOOD, STARING out the window at the backyard while the kitchen sink filled. The last of the leaves had dropped and there was frost on the grass, melted away in the strips of sunlight. Steam rose off surfaces. The warm water in the sink fogged the glass. She ran a fingertip through it, collecting condensation beads that trickled down, her mind wandering back to the window, to the room she’d woken up in a few days ago, to Addy.

  A flash of movement pulled her back to the kitchen. Beanie, the neighbour’s cat, was sitting on the windowsill outside, licking his paw. His tag flashed, engraved Jellybean, named for the shape of the dark patch of fur on his nose. He stalked his way along to the window with the loose hinge, nudging it inwards until the lock popped and there was space enough for him to squeeze inside.